3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
