I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
