just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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