i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
