My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Just invented taco cereal.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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