We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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