Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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