I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I just made out with a guy for $7.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
