Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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