i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
