drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
