all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
