He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
