Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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