My cat gives me a boner
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
