I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
