I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
