Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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