ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
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