I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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