i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
