i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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