Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
