i'm signing you up for texting rehab
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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