I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
