Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
