im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
