Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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