We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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