the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
