Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
