The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
