My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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