it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
