u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
