Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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