When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize