Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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