I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
