So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
