I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
