Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
