Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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