this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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