your room smells of hookers.
And success
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
