Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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