If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
