I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
