My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
