I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
