did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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