She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
