my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
