I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
