I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
