please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
